I am not superwoman.....damn

The problem usually begins when I forget that I do not have super powers. And no matter if I am reminded of that by the end of the day, by the time I wake up the next morning and my feet hit the floor, I have forgotten that lesson learned. It is like there is a reset button in my head. Even if I start to hear little whisperings of self doubts, I brush them aside and carry on as if I will finish every project within the unrealistic time frame I have established for myself. 

I also often forget that I am not the most zealous traditional quilter. Or, rather, piecer. After I put together one block, I am looking over my shoulder for that 3D printer so I can whip out the rest of the blocks I need and get that top pieced! Note to self - write impassioned letter to Santa asking for 3D printer. I can print off extra arms for myself, too, right?? And fabric? I have lots of uses for one of those babies!

I was so, so optimistic this morning..I was sure the top would be pieced, I would be quilting by mid afternoon and then tomorrow I would sew the binding on.

Yes. I really think this way.

The reality? Well, my husband called at 3:50 pm. It went something like this:
Rej: How’s your day? 
Me: What! What time is it?? I thought it wasn’t even 3 o’clock yet!
Rej: Yeah, well it’s almost 4. Did you run today?
Me: Run!! I am still in my pyjamas! Did I eat lunch?? What time did you say it is??
Rej: (who is used to my rants and talking to myself) Ok, I will be home by 4:30. It’s cold out so dress warm..(Our deal is, if neither of us has run or biked that day, we walk. So, walk it was.)

Sigh.

You might be surprised to learn I even thought I would work on a second project today, “in my spare minutes”..Unbelievable.

Time for Creative Pursuits

I tend to jump into activities feet first, never really thinking of how this new responsibility might affect my personal time. As I age, I try to take the time to consider all sides of the argument before I agree. But, now that my daily schedule is free of any job related tasks that I choose not to do anymore, I think 24 hours is more like 36 or 40..Can I cram more into my day than I did before? Do I have more energy and enthusiasm?

Well, yes, I do have more time and I do have more positive energy. And I know what I want to do. I know where I want to spend my time. I have projects that are very dear to my heart that I want to accomplish. 

A young technician remarked to me yesterday during a conversation about retirement that she was pushing her dad, who happened to be the same vintage as me, to retire soon, so he could “enjoy the days he has left”..I understand her sentiment, but her choice of words left me pondering and a tad troubled. First I gave closer regard to the reflection looking back at me in the mirror. Yes, 57 leaves some battle scars, probably more than I can actually see with my deteriorating eye sight and lack of X-ray vision. After I considered my physicality, I considered my energy and focus. I realize this morning that subconsciously, I assume to prove a point to myself, I stayed up till after 1 am finishing up some orders and projects. I get in a zen state when I quilt and I hate to stop until I am done..old habits do die hard. 

I have had so many all nighters in my lifetime..finishing yearbook pages in high school, writing papers in University, lettering all night at college, constructing costumes for my daughter’s drama experience..the only times it was difficult to stay awake all night was when I was nursing sick children and while watching my dear sweet Mom slowly leave us. The energy of a creative pursuit can carry me through and leave me energy for the next day. Worry and caring for another doesn’t have the same effect. Overwhelming loss is unbearable and you lose all sense of time and your place in the universe. 

At my ripe old age, should I be allowing myself to do keep this late hours anymore while I pursue creativity? Perhaps 1 am is my new limit. I did let myself laze in bed this morning until after 8 and then remembered to do those stretches that help get my decades old neck muscles ready for another day. Maybe I am learning to create a balance in order to continue. 

I do have a new to me project to share very soon. With this project I have committed myself yet again to more personal time, but the need tugged at my heart strings and I did give it quite a bit of consideration before I made it “real”. People have amazingly jumped on board with me and I think this can be an enriching experience for everyone involved.

Watch for a dedicated post soon...Right now I have to get another decaf and get moving on today’s goals and objectives. Only 14 and a half hours left in my day and there is so much to be done.

2013 and Cause for Celebration

I have a number of blogs I am faithful to. And sometimes I tend to wander across the internet, checking ones that are new to me. At this time of year, many bloggers are posting about their New Years resolutions, their “word" for 2014, a visual list of what they accomplished or created in 2013. Not me.

2013 was tough. It was all new territory for me because it was my first year without my beloved Mom. I have to honest, I couldn’t tell you what I did for the first six months. I don’t remember last Christmas, I have no idea when spring arrived. I do remember sewing a lot because I feel close to Mom when I sew; she taught me to sew, she bought me many of my tools and materials, and sewing and quilting were things we discussed all the time. I know I watched the Ellen Degeneres show some days and cried a lot when they gave away gifts and money to deserving folk. Tears are always near the surface.

I am intensely proud of my children. Family is the be all, end all to me and our “little” family as I refer to my husband, myself and our two children, is what I think of first each day and last each night. My children are young adults living and working away on their own and when we get to spend time together, I can’t get much happier. Having occasions to celebrate makes it even better.

2013 did have occasion for celebration. My daughter realized her goal of receiving her MA in Physiotherapy and in October my little family gathered in Halifax to celebrate her success at a dinner and dance awards evening and then  watched her cross the university stage the next day, as she transformed from student to professional. As she received her degree, she gave us all a huge double thumbs up and then literally danced for her professors who sat on the stage.

She told me afterwards that she knew she couldn’t have gotten away with these antics when she received her undergrad at McGill, but Dal was relaxed just enough for her to manage it. Well, I expect nothing less from my Drama daughter as she sealed this momentous time in her life with her own special something.

2014 is a big number. I have hopes for this year, for myself and for my family, little and extended. I should be considering recording my goals, but I am not. I have ideas of what I want to accomplish and places I want to visit, both in the  physical and cognitive sense, and for now that is enough. I did make some plans for myself for this year and soon I will begin to see these through. After that? Well, we will just see what develops, I think. For now, I am okay with that.